ROSEBUD Oregon
I was in pain the cast had something in it that was eating away at me, at the back of my foot. I was happy though and this was the last time I would be naturally happy. They took me away form my mom I was in some sort of raised table on wheels and they scooted me and my cast and my pain away from my mother, I was unhappy about this and cried. I had heard something that made me uncomfortable for a long time, normally I don’t think I would have cried just because my mommy left me I was a big boy. The nurse assured me that all was better now and soothed my nerves, she even got me excited and I was giggling almost like I was being tickled. She pulled out this scary looking device, I noticed it immediately, and she showed me how it works. It went Vroom vrooM and it was cool! She even used it to remove my cast YEA! What a wonderful machine! Ut OO you got a boo boo. She looked concerned?
I was frozen in fear. What I saw was my ankle bone and the pain came back afresh. I had tried to pull off my cast unsuccessfully because I was in daily pain and could no longer walk on it even though some of my first steps were taken with a cast on. This is where it gets weird. I was taught a word. For some reason I was mimicking the nurse or nurses I’m not sure at that point. They were making me say a special word that for me marked the freedom of me from this vice that had held me down for week after week and hurt more and more and more. I was so happy to be free I was saying it over and over again “malpractice” and I was saying it over and over as they scooted me around the hospital. As I write this it comes to me how could this possible be true? How could all of this actually have happened to me at such a small age and I still remember it to this day because I started making mental notes. I was angry at this new word I associated it with the pain that I was still in. I remember distinctly the nurse pushing me forward and saying “tell this doctor your new word”
I was shy, I didn’t want to, new people to me were scary and it took me at least a few mints to decide if I liked them. Some people weren’t ok to talk to my mom always taught me that! But I was out of my cast and eventually was coursed into saying “malpractice” toward this new doctor who I get a more male impression from. He picked me up and took me away and I was extremely happy that I was in good hands and I would get the pain in my ankle “FIXED.” He said he had something special for “little boys like me” who caused trouble like I obviously was doing. At this point it gets a bit fuzzy and I have repressed many of these memories. There are too many of them for me to ignore. So I assume about this time I was drugged. Making it harder to remember yes I know but allow me to continue because these memories are clear to me even to this day. These doctors did have access to stimulants so they could have accelerated my heart and shocked me if they had wanted to; I have no way of knowing. I do know that I was in some sort of stirrups. But we will get to that because first I got GRABED not like you would normally think in the groin or something but teased until I threw a tantrum. They held me and there were many figures that ran in to hold each of my arms they accused me of being noncompliant and had taken action to get me subdued.
This is where my confusion sets in confusion not about how it was happening, confusion about why these people were treating me this way and I cried out for my parents, too late. I try to make a break for it! Even now to think back at my futile attempts to struggle it seems pitiful. So while I am being grabbed and taunted until I was in the fetal position I flew through the air with everyone holding me I remember thinking wow this is what it must be like to fly then I was angry again angry at all these people why were there so many people there to treat my little wound? Was it really that bad? My poor foot was getting the FULL TREATMENT!
Whatever that meant I don’t know. But then again I do know because I lived through it. They were holding me and that one DOCTOR OMG he has a knife!?! Fear hits me for the first time. Not fear from being scared at the movies or a haunted house, STARK RAVING MADENING FEAR! I struggle; trying to get away I can’t move, I’m being held down by hands to the point I can’t budge and I get a feeling of claustrophobia, One that comes back every time I try to struggle. I was warned to settle down or I was just going to make it worse on myself.
It is bad; I can’t struggle because I am in extreme fear, frozen. They have a needle and they poke me in the butt. Things get numb in the area but o know I don’t deserve too much NONONO! I was keenly in tune with what everyone was doing around me and I fought. I thought of my parents and wondered if this was some sort of test maybe if I did just lie still like they were asking me everything would be ok? RIGHT? He started rubbing my dick. I distinctly remember this feeling because I had never experienced it before and it felt good. Really good OMG! Get away form me!!!
I WAS FURIOUS. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, I had to do something, had to have some proof of what was going on! He cuts me and I am astonished because there is no numbing in that area he’s cutting my dick off OMG this is not good! Well amazing to my surprise after all of this that I do indeed still have my dick although bloody it may be in this point of time in my life. I was really confused now maybe they have the wrong person. NO they know who they want and it’s defiantly me! I just keep saying no,no,no,no forever. I cannot see the doctor clearly but I do remember feeling the cut down the front of my penis it hurt more than my ankle did. Then was the cut between my legs that was it that was enough for me! There was no reason for these people to be doing this and the grip on me had lessened like it was tend to do when I wasn’t moving. I thought something funny, I knew they were confident in what they were doing and I wanted them dead. I was going to enact some form of revenge! I was lucid I was going to let them beat me. I vowed to remember every detail I could and tell someone. I developed a plan, of sorts a plan a two year old might plan, over time I noticed how futile my plan was all about the future and I was feeling extreme pain now.
The doctor became angry at me and said a snide remark about how I liked being jammed in the ass because I was struggling in pain while he continually stabbed me. At one point I remember the point jamming me so far up that it hit the bone and twisting pain. So I did the one thing I could do. As he was about to surgically vivisect my ass I jumped, spammed, struggled to break free from the constricting lock of many hands holding me still. I broke my seemingly complicit stillness and veered the blade to my left side as I was kicking and puling to the right, my strong primary side. I used all my strength and pulled to the right. As a result I got stabbed repeatedly in the soft tissue of my ass, on the left side.
Hopelessness sets in and you just start reacting to the pain and nothing else. I know from experience personal experience, I drifted off, they actuality told me to picture a pretty location, I could only try it, after all there plan was better than mine, mine caused me even more pain just trying to wiggle. I remember trying to make one last dash so numb and pumped full of drugs I couldn’t stand and the pain was unbearable. My parents would have been proud to see me put up a good fight. I gave them hell’ I thought. They cover my eyes and made me look away.
The burden of hell was mine to bear. I distinctly remember coming to, or waking up with a big BOO! I was freaked OUT more freaked out that I had ever been in my entire life my pain was everywhere I’m seeing strange things I don’t understand that don’t make sense how can I feel that way? I get a sensation of a large hose going up my ass. There is a something they are turning my head to try and make me look at some point I didn’t want to see it. I was calm and tried to collect my thoughts as one does when one wakes up. I had completely given up. They told me they made me crazy and now I was fixed and taunted me all through the procedure. They told me no one would believe me. They said the pain boogieman of sorts was coming to get me!
I do remember blood, dripping down my legs and a feeling of numb flapping skin between my legs when the cut was open and as I walked (only possible because I was being helped along) either side slid past the other. They made me walk after the surgery. Saying something like “no really this is what you are supposed to do in this situation, not like that other stuff.” I was in so much pain, I refused to walk and they forced the issue I couldn’t walk in the condition I was in when I entered the hospital and I couldn’t explain that to them. I remember some sort of stirrups and pointing to my foot up in the air and saying the one word I now had a deep emotional tie to “malpractice” hoping to get someone to look at my ankle it still hurt too.
This is where we come to the climax of the story a long metallic object like a golf club or a baseball bat was produced and they were saying “o thank you for remembering for us we almost forgot. And they proceed to beat my foot until it was limp. I was screaming.
Then I was back at the nurse and she was asking me how I liked my casts these days. “Tight or loose?” she prompted me again tight or loose. “We can stay here all day, say it, I know you were talking before common say it tight or loose.” She showed me with some flexible material over the skin of my leg, “this is tight, this is loose” I new exactly what she meant but I wasn’t telling. Finally just to move things along I said tight. I felt the old cast was too loose but boy o boy did I make the wrong decision.
I remember finally getting back to my mommy a long dress I grabbed and held on. The hospital told my parents a story about how I had acted up and caused some damage. I guess they were telling the truth I didn’t argue. I felt ok and I wanted to leave. They made sure I didn’t go back to that hospital.
The pain I went through NEXT was the worst pain of all. The pain in my ass slowly got worse and worse and I was angry at my parents for not realizing I laid there for days in bed as much as I could. Getting fed by my mom and forced to go outside or do something other than lay there. It was such a long stretched out time of acute pain both physical and mental because I couldn’t explain to my parents what I was going through and no one was helping me in a time I needed help, I screamed out in pain or was I actually able to sleep through such pain? I think that is why I don’t remember it well. I do remember my parents wondering why I hadn’t been outside “o you used to always go outside, why don’t you do that anymore?” it was my mom and I couldn’t tell her.
This cast cut off the circulation to my foot and when I finally had it taken off the shock was amazing I remember jerking and some kind of bump through my heart and I had a shock that gave me twirlers’, I could see stars. The pain of the blood rushing back to my leg was insane and it made an indelible impression on my mind. I cried because I still felt the cast, even though it wasn’t on my foot anymore, and now once again I do still feel it today. My mom was confused as to why I was crying because I was supposed to be happy I finally got my cast off. Strangely with just a pair of scissors, I don’t think I am able to be at peace and naturally happy anymore although I try as hard as I can to live a happy life because that is the best revenge one can ever have. Not much of revenge if you ask me but the only one I am afforded. No one believes me and I digress, if I talk and it comes around to that time of my life I tell them freely as much as I think they can stand.
I was feeling better and I still had these pains in my but I would run in the grass around the farmhouse and my mom said they were just bristles. I never found any black bristles in the wild but I looked and I itched. I kept pulling these little black bristles out from between my legs and I would hand them to my parents and make them look at them. They would ask me what it was and where I got it. I told them “my but” and laugh ha ha ha and run away. No one could identify those bristles I found in my ass after my severe sickness. Today I know and have known for a long time that those bristles were actually stitches.
“ROUND 2 DING DING”
Freebies!
Imagine you’re lying on your back and your left foot is turned left and lying on the side. That’s how my cast was put on the second time. It was extremely painful so bad I was complaining of it. So of course the diligent parents of mine took me back to the hospital! Where they called this go round “freebies” I was given salutes to my perseverance and told I was making the ultimate sacrifice. When they got me in that room again they immediately put me under sedation. The “Doctors” took some spreaders and stuck them between my legs. I slipped out of them but “no no you’re not slipping out of it that easily” said the doctor, I was SO very scared and I was losing consciousness. The spreaders opened my pelvis where the legs are attached and I was spread until my pelvis snapped and I felt a pain light up my back. Thankfully I remember nothing else about this day at the hospital and awoke in the car on the ride home sitting up in my seat what a strange experience to wake up sitting up. My parents seemed angry at me because of the story they were told that I was causing trouble and they had to sedate me. I was 2, who sedates a 2 year old for being rowdy? In fact I was perfectly asleep most of the time I was at the hospital. It was the pain of the car ride that woke me. My pelvis felt like it was scissoring open and not solid anymore. We had hit a dirt rode and were getting close to home. The bumps on this rode were so painful I started crying. I live with this back pain constantly and I remind those around me all the time that I have back pain. This pain never goes away and with it a feeling of pressure on the inside of the joint where the leg meets the pelvis. I remember the snap and the pain and screaming NOOOOOoooooooo in my mind as I drifted off into unconsciousness.
Now when I try to get help for the pain I go through, yearly reliving the pain, they call me delusional and try to drug me. The pain lasts longer every year, last episode lasted the entire month of August, and no Dr. has yet to believe that I go through this pain every year, let alone why.
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Last update: 15-09-2011 01:54 |
| Published in : Documentary |
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